Anger - A Misunderstood Emotion

For a long time, anger has carried a bad reputation — painted as something to be feared or suppressed. History often linked it to violence and downfall, religion warned against its fiery nature, and even early psychology saw it as a sign of weakness or instability. It was framed as a force that destroys relationships, clarity, and even one’s sense of self. We never truly learned to deal with anger. Yet, like all emotions, anger has its purpose.

When do we feel angry?

We tend to feel angry when something important to us feels threatened — whether that’s our safety, our dignity, or our boundaries. It can arise when our needs are dismissed, our values are challenged, or we witness something deeply unfair. This is why anger often shows up so quickly and powerfully; it’s an emotion wired to protect what matters to us.

Anger can also emerge when we feel unheard, misunderstood, or powerless in a situation. In these moments, it often acts as a shield, covering more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, fear, or shame. For some, this protective layer becomes the primary way of expressing distress, especially if they’ve learned that showing sadness or fear isn’t “acceptable.”

On a deeper level, anger is our body and mind’s way of signaling that something needs to change. It pushes us to address problems, set boundaries, and stand up for ourselves or others. While it can be destructive when unmanaged, in its healthiest form, anger is a messenger — pointing us toward the areas of life that need our attention, healing, or action.

Destructive Anger

Most of us are afraid of anger. We worry it might ruin our relationships, push people away, or even cause harm. Many of us carry memories of being hurt by someone’s anger — or even our own. But the truth is, anger itself isn’t the problem. It becomes destructive only in the ways we express or suppress it.

The most visible and seemingly scariest form is the explosive outburst. This could look like raised voices, harsh words, or, in more extreme cases, physical aggression. Because it’s loud and disruptive, this version of anger is easy to spot.

A quieter, yet extremely damaging form is passive aggression. Here, anger doesn’t show up in direct confrontation. Instead, it stews and slips out through withdrawal, manipulation, or gaslighting. As it's not obvious to spot, it makes the victims feel like they were at fault. The calm demeanor of the aggressor makes this very difficult to spot.

And then there’s the least talked-about version: when anger turns inward. Instead of expressing it, we internalize it. We criticize ourselves for even feeling angry, pile on guilt, or carry silent shame. Over time, this can weigh heavily on our mental health, feeding anxiety, depression, and a persistent sense of unworthiness.

When Does Anger Become Destructive?

Our fear of anger, ironically, is what often makes it destructive. Many of us grow up believing that the safest way to deal with anger is to suppress it, repress it, or convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel it at all. But anger doesn’t disappear just because we push it away — it finds its way back, sometimes in ways that hurt us or the people around us.

Anger is a lot like fire. If we try to contain it by tightly shutting all the doors, the pressure builds. The moment even a small window opens, it can burst out explosively. On the other hand, if we simply let it burn unchecked, it might eventually exhaust itself — but not before leaving behind destruction in its path.

When we don't process our anger and instead let it fester and grow without dealing with it, it becomes destructive. We become bitter when we internalize it. We become vengeful if we feel like there's only injustice towards us. Unresolved anger consumes us and makes it destructive.

Healthy Anger

Anger, when we pause to listen to it, often carries important information. It tells us that a boundary has been crossed, a need has gone unmet, or something we value deeply feels threatened. Instead of dismissing anger as “bad,” we can learn to view it as a signal — a messenger pointing us toward what truly matters. When we use anger to guide our boundaries, it becomes constructive.

We need to understand anger the way we would learn to manage a flame. Instead of ignoring it or fearing it, we can learn to notice its signals, create safe outlets, and respond with awareness. When we understand the fire, we don’t just put it out — we learn how to use its energy without letting it consume us.

Channeling anger begins with slowing down. Rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, we can ask ourselves, "What is my anger trying to protect? What need is it highlighting?" Often, the answer points us toward the need for respect, safety, fairness, or simply being heard. Recognizing this shifts anger from a force that controls us to a tool we can use to grow.

For example, anger at being overworked might lead us to set clearer limits with our time. Anger at repeated disrespect may give us the courage to speak up with firmness rather than silence or aggression. In this way, anger becomes less about destruction and more about alignment — helping us protect our well-being while strengthening our relationships through honesty.

Healing Through Anger

Anger, when met with compassion rather than fear, can become a pathway to healing. Instead of seeing it only as destructive, we can recognize it as a signpost to our pain — and our unmet needs. By sitting with our anger, naming it, and allowing ourselves to feel it without judgment, we create space to understand what lies beneath. This process can reveal old wounds, unspoken boundaries, or aspects of ourselves that have long been silenced. When we learn to express anger in healthy, intentional ways, it no longer controls us; it frees us. In this way, anger becomes less of a burden to suppress and more of a guide toward reclaiming our voice, our needs, and ultimately, our wholeness.